How to Move Forward (Part 1)
This post is an excerpt from the book “Forgiving You: 23 Keys to Unlock Your Freedom and Heal Your Soul”
Sometimes, our actions, decisions, and even bad mistakes can have grave repercussions, so deep, so harsh, and so disastrous that you could not have even imagined it, especially when the consequences are so beyond what seems fitting for what happened and even more so if it ends up being very public. The backlash, scorn, and retribution leave you reeling as you stagger to find solid ground, stuck in the rubble of the fallout, unable or unsure of how to move on.
As you face this new reality, understand that there will always be some people who will take issue with you no matter what, especially if they can no longer control you, your thoughts, or your actions. They will do everything possible to get others to join the bandwagon against you. Some will do so because it solidifies their moral superiority, and others who join the smear campaign will see it as an opportunity to exact vengeance, hatred, self-righteous indignation, pent-up envy, and all of their insecurities, as you become the outlet - the human receptacle to channel their rage.
You may not have even wronged them personally. You just made a decision you felt was right for you, only to suddenly find yourself in this strange and painful space.
Whatever your case, you have to decipher what this moment is truly about. And while opposing forces are spinning out and wreaking devastation on your world, follow these steps to center, guide, rebuild, and heal yourself.
Feel It
Begin by acknowledging the full range and depth of your emotions, including regret, shock, sadness, anger, hurt, rage, and even the pain of rejection.
Allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling without judgment, and give yourself space to grieve the loss of certain relationships and all the moments you will no longer be part of. It's okay to mourn those treasured and now severed or estranged connections.
This will be a revelatory moment as you will come face-to-face with who you and others perceived you to be in their eyes and yours and who you are now, including the outcome of all that transpires. It may feel like an impossibly heavy load to bear, but embracing all of your emotions instead of suppressing or denying them is a critical step toward your healing, and it can't be rushed.
Own It
Accept responsibility within yourself and own it, as challenging as it is. Even if it's a decision or action you felt was right that had a bad outcome, own it anyway and stand firm in your belief. Take complete responsibility for your actions by accepting the reality of your choices and consequences, even if unexpected. By acknowledging the impact on yourself and those around you without denying or avoiding the truth, people will also begin to reveal themselves to you, who they truly are, how much they genuinely value and care for you, and if they did at all in the first place. Count this revelation as a painful blessing.
Trust Yourself
Yep, I know that's tough, but an enormous part of this process is being able to rebuild trust within yourself. You have to learn to trust yourself again and it can't be overlooked. When the fallout shatters you – whatever the cause – your sense of who you are can take a brutal hit and shake you to the core, causing you to doubt your mind, actions, intentions, perspective, vision, and even your sense of reality.
When you understand your history from a healthy perspective, have a better understanding of who you are, embrace your humanity, rebuild your confidence, and treat yourself with love and compassion, it helps you to begin to rebuild the trust you lost in yourself.
If you allow that fear to take root in your life, it will stunt, stop, or uproot your journey before it even has a chance to begin. In this moment and those to come, remember the totality of who you are: your gifts, talents, desires, abilities, aspirations, and most of all – your heart. Embrace your "you-ness" and choose to trust yourself.
Know Your Why
Understand the "why" behind your choices by reflecting on the underlying reasons, motivations, and circumstances to help you gain insights into yourself. Even though some others don't like whatever you said or did, you may find you had no problem with it. In fact, it may have been the best decision you made for yourself in a long while. Know that as you grow, some lifelong relationships will fall off, and in those moments, remember that some relationships are just an attachment to shared history, and anything that does not grow (including relationships) is dead. Count this experience as part of your life and continue your healing journey.
If you find that you hate what you said or did, take the necessary steps to learn how to grow from your missteps by converting your experiences into learning opportunities. Extracting lessons from your choices will guide you toward making better decisions in the future.
Genuinely Apologize
Make amends by sincerely apologizing to those affected by your actions. Be genuine and open about your remorse, knowing that what you say cannot be about you or anything laced with guilt, self-pity, or a way to make yourself feel better. If and only if an apology is in order, do so sincerely.
But do not apologize about anything you are not sorry for or take the blame for something you did not do in order to gratify someone who's created a moving target in accepting you. Know that being forgiven by someone takes time and may take longer than you expect. Move forward with all efforts towards rebuilding the bridge of trust with authentic relationships. As long as it does not go against your core belief or value system, does not sacrifice who you are, and does not subject you to ill-treatment, abuse, disrespect, or further rejection.
While seeking forgiveness from others is valuable, also work toward forgiving yourself, understanding that complete redemption involves forgiving yourself, and that takes commitment, time, and intentional effort.
And finally, for those people who have come for you, avoided engaging with you, or spoken ill to you publicly or privately, you'll have to forgive them too. It doesn't mean that you condone their words or behavior or that you need to resume the relationship with them, but you can actively and consciously release the grip of anger, resentment, or any hurt you carry and allow that space and energy for healing your mind, body, and spirit by letting it go.
Think of it as the best way to honor them and their wishes to disconnect from you and to honor yourself and the space that you need for healing. One thing is for certain. We all eventually come face-to-face with the tragedies of life. No one can escape it, and it's incredible how perspectives shift and change based on life experiences.
